Official News 1 – Economic Growth

In a happy announcement, today the tentacles of economic power rejoiced that the UKs annual GDP growth during the last year was slightly higher than they expected it to have been.

While it’s true that most people are still worse off than they were before the tentacles crashed the market and looted the public finances, that doesn’t matter because the tentacles of economic power themselves have become so much more rich that they more than make up for the difference.

Rejoice, oh you workers, for all your hard work has paid off! Rejoice all you poor on welfare, your sacrifices have finally led to the tentacles of economic power being being once again more rich than they have ever been!

The Conservative Prime Minister, who is in no way a robot controlled by the tentacles of economic power, admitted in response to the figures that this was all part of his long term economic plan to ensure that the tentacles retain their wealth, power and influence above all other people, issues and things.

He insisted that being richer than ever before was not good enough for the tentacles though, that he would not rest until the tentacles
controlled all things and all minds, and to that end he promised more welfare cuts, more tax-giveaways and more privatizations to ensure that the Tentacles never again find themselves in the embarrassing position of being poorer today then they were last week.

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